Today has been a truly contemplative day for me. I haven’t shared in a while because I have been working on finding the Gratitude and the Blessings in the traumatic 4 months I have experienced with my health.
It’s so important to be authentic and honest about where you are in your life and who you surround yourself with in your most trying times. One of my greatest goals is to always appreciate the teaching the dark and challenging times in our lives bring us.
I would not be authentic if I said I am finding that easy at the moment and on some days I really have to dig deep to find the joy and the blessings in situations that feel overwhelming. It’s ok though to get mad, to feel low and to honour all the myriad of emotions of living with Chronic illnesses is so important on this journey.
I find in today’s world people have lost touch with what’s real and what truly matters and let me tell you there really are only a few things that truly matter. For me these things begin with do you love yourself enough to accept, surrender and just feel all you choose to feel regardless of how scarey it is or what anyone else thinks.
What’s important is, is it authentic? Does it make your soul smile and if it doesn’t do you have the courage to do what best serves you and your wellbeing ? For a very long time in my life I have given generously and helped those less fortunate than me and I aspire to do more for people whenever I can. But right now my body is in crisis and I am having to learn a new way of being.
All that said and done there comes a time when you need to look at what is working for you, who’s got your back when you need it and who is just there when they need you. It’s the most brutal yet necessary teaching you can have. The day you wake up and realize that no amount of words make a difference but that action is what has the greatest impact.
Over the last 4 months my body has gone through an unbelievable amount of trauma and no matter how positive and mentally focused I have chosen to be, I have simply not been able to control the physical reaction to the trauma in my body. I am a truly strong willed individual and can generally, visualise, focus and pray my way through anything. But this has been next level for me.
My body is tired and I am tired and the reality is I can no longer move at the speed I am used to moving. The level of frustration I feel about this is incomprehensible. I am angry, sad, frustrated and grateful all at the same time.
On the outside I look like my normal self (baring some raw feet and cortisone bloat). On the inside I am like a ticking time bomb waiting for the next explosion. And a week ago today I dropped, my heart stopped and I stopped breathing. It took the medics 45 minutes to stabilise me and then a further 3 hours in hospital to get my breathing to return to normal.
From the trauma I have experienced in my body I have full blown PTSD and this has been my greatest challenge of all as I simply can not control how my body shakes, how emotional I am, my mood swings or the the emotional roller coaster I am on and that let me tell you for an OCD control freak is like living hell.
Sharing my story and helping people living with Chronic illness is something I am passionate about as so few people understand what it means to live like this. As someone with Chronic illness I can promise you that I am doing everything mentally, physically and emotionally possible to get better. I have read up on every possible treatment, miracle drug, meditation and holistic treatment out there.
I work with my nutrition and exercise and focus on being positive about what I am living with, however I have reached a stage where I am sick and tired of the “suggestions” from people who have NEVER experienced a full blown attack like this on their bodies and the condescending manner in which they deliver the “suggested approach”.
With this in mind as someone living it. I would simply like to say that the only real thing a Chronically Ill person really needs from the people who love them is understanding, a listening ear, an offer to make a meal or just a hug. They do not need to be lectured and told just be positive. Don’t make the assumption that you have any understanding of the journey being walked as you will NEVER understand it until you live it.
So as I end my blog today, I ask you to simply be present with yourself and those around you who may need your support. Don’t assume you know what anyone is dealing with as assumptions and expectations only create great disappointment. Just do what is best for you in the now and that is something that changes depending on where you are on that particular day. Don’t put yourself under pressure to be anything for anyone that does not ultimately serve your best interests first.
I am truly grateful for the teachings I have received from living with these challenges as through every darkness there is always light. As we face the challenges so we grow and learn how best to honour ourselves. I am grateful for every day I get to walk this earth and am at peace with my journey.
I am thankful and truly grateful for every nurse, medic and doctor that has worked with me and is doing their level best to help me heal. I am one very blessed human.