It has been a long time since I have written my blog. Following the loss of my brother in 2019 I have struggled to write and share the journey that keeps me driven and moving. My brother chose to leave this world and his loss has been a mixture of anger, grief and heartache like I have never experienced in my life.
For the last 12 years since my diagnosis of Psoriatic Arthritis, Sympathetic Dystrophy and Fibromyalgia I have faced some of the toughest physical and emotional challenges of my life.
I have discovered a level of pain that I never knew was possible and have been resuscitated a number of times due to lung complications and infections.
I have had radical infections, surgeries and a number of physical traumas. Each time I face another one it takes more courage and determination to get back up and as I say “put on my tap shoes and start dancing”
In the last 4 years due to complications and infections I have spent so much time isolated from my friends and family that I have become socially anxious at times. I used to be the most sociable being and generally loved being the life and soul at a gathering. I have however realized that being quiet and moving a little slower is another part of who I am.
The greatest thing about being challenged like this is how you choose to respond to it. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I follow the beautiful red road teachings of the Native American people and have learnt my greatest lessons from them. As my one teacher always says. “Everything is by always exactly how it is meant to be”.
Let me tell you sometimes I find it hard to accept that. The teaching is really that what we have packaged and have in our minds as how things should be is not always the way they are. What is essential is to be in a space of surrender and understanding that what may seem like a hinderance is simply there to guide you towards the right outcome. It’s important to keep an open mind as your greatest blessing may be staring you in the face and you may not even see it unless you just surrender to the process.
I have learnt to sit with the discomfort and pain and have moved from fighting it to acknowledging it and giving it the space to be what it needs to be. I have learnt to appreciate the small things in life, like a friend being mindful and kind and delivering a piping hot cuppa coffee as they know it’s the simple things that make my soul smile.
I have in this process learnt to accept that we have people on our path that are there for a season, a reason and a lifetime. Each of these relationships serve a necessary gift and teaching and are all essential for us to grow as individuals.
I have learnt to put my hand up and ask for help when I need it and to speak my mind when something does not work for me and my best interests. I have learnt yo slow down and considered if something feels right to me or not. And if my intuition tells me not to do something I don’t do it. We are given gut feelings and intuition for a reason it is a great tool to guide us if we just listen to it.
So today as I sit once again in hospital anxiously awaiting another surgery I know one thing is certain, I have got this! Whatever lies ahead with the complications going on in my body is part of what I signed up for in this lifetime.
I have a tribe of magnificent doctors, friends and family who love and support me and through this I shall continue to grow and adapt. There are only 3 things in life that you are guaranteed of death, taxes and change. I embrace the change and while some days I have my human melt downs and feelings of woe is me, most days I am able to look for the blessings
As I end this entry today I wish you all Enough. Enough love, enough joy, enough hope, enough understanding and enough of all you may need.