To say the last 9 months have been like a living hell for me feels like an understatement. My silence on my blog has been a reflection of where I have been mentally and emotionally and how I have struggled to find the light and sense through the pain and chaos. I feel that there is so much pain and chaos on our planet that I was not able to write. I needed to find a space to see the teaching to find the reasoning to understand the journey before I could share it.
Living with a combination of Auto Immune diseases has been my challenge for 9 years and has tested my inner most strength to the core. The last 9 months has however been next level and a challenge that at times has felt all consuming. I have been through so much trauma to my body both mentally and physically and at times have felt like I was in a tumble dryer with nails.
During the last 9 months I have had 4 surgeries been resuscitated a few times and have hung on for dear life through some of the most incredible pain I have ever felt. The physical pain has felt like an onslaught that is beyond comprehension however none of this could prepare me for the greatest pain of all. The loss of my brother, My hero and one of the kindest people I was blessed to know has floored me completely.
Being a perfectionist and someone who believes that everything that happens in life does so for a reason and is a teaching, I am struggling to come to grips with this tragic loss. I have fought so hard this year just to keep breathing and keep believing that no matter what everything happens for a reason.
The health stuff for me has been a challenge but the loss of my brother has been utterly devastating. He was the male role model in my life and was my Big brother in every sense. I always felt safe knowing that if anything ever went wrong or if I felt uncomfortable about something I could talk to him with no judgement. He had a great sense of humor and could make me laugh from my belly and was one of the kindest people I knew.
At 46 years old I have experienced loss and death but nothing has felt quite as heartbreaking as losing a sibling. There is no name or description for the loss of a sibling and like most things in life unless it’s your personal loss people move on with their day to day life as normal but as the person who has lost someone everything feels like it is moving in slow motion.
To find hope and faith and continue to believe that everything happens for a reason has been extremely difficult for me over this truly challenging year. I have however discovered one of the greatest teachings that sounds so cliche until you live it and that is who really has your back.
I have discovered that there are many people in this world who profess to care and use spiritual quotes and platitudes to mask the people they really are when in reality the true depth of the person comes in their actions. Actions really do speak louder than words.
I have found that the joy of life and living is about simplicity and surrounding yourself with people and places that add joy to your life and letting go of those that simply drain your energy. I have discovered that while no body is perfect and we all make mistakes it’s essential to understand the meaning of integrity and to choose honesty over what is comfortable to believe or hear.
In the world right now there is a substantial amount of noise and pain. There are some of the most heinous crimes taking place and there is a lot of stress, however there is also SO much to look forward to and believe in.
As I continue my life and wake up every morning to face the world I am learning to do this from a place of self love. A friend of mine posted something the other day that reasonated #FLY (First Love Yourself). And that is what I do every day now. I start my day with a check in. I ask myself if what I am doing is helping me to FLY and if not I just don’t do it.
I know that one of my greatest challenges in my life to date has been trying to keep everyone happy and in the process I forgot about my own happiness. Through the tragedy and deep sense of loss this year I have discovered what is real, necessary and important to me. I have discovered the beauty and joy of being quiet and observing and I have discovered that it’s ok to just not be ok.
So as you start your day today I ask you to start it by checking in with YOU first. Check in and make sure that whatever you do you FLY.