Walking my road with Chronic illness has been one of the most humbling experiences I have been blessed to have. There are times and moments where the constant pain and endless infections feel overwhelming and all consuming. There are times when I feel so mad I want literally throw my toys out the cot like a petulant child and then you get to the place I am in today. The space of complete surrender and release.
Today I had the wind completely knocked out of my sails when I discovered that the 5th Biological drug I have been on can no longer be infused into my body. My lungs are taking too much strain and I am getting too many infections. When you have an auto immune disease basically your own immune system believes a part of your DNA is the enemy and your body produces these little soldiers to go and fight that enemy.
In my body I have 3 of these diseases so I have a whole bunch of crazy neurological signals and immune fighting going on. Over the last 9 years I have had a number of treatments both holistic and western medicine to combat what is going on in my body. My doctors have worked with a variation of treatments, diets and psychological approaches to get on top of what feels like a full blown assault at times.
I have had numerous surgeries and treatments and have survived some truly intense infections and today I start another journey as the last biological is now no longer working in my best interest but is causing major lung complications. You see with these diseases one of the approaches that has worked best to keep me moving has been to have immune suppressors. However when you are on Immune suppressors you switch off the immune system and are of course highly susceptible to infections and germs.
I am a positive upbeat person who will try and relay what it is like to people who have not walked this journey what it is like and that no I am not sick AGAIN, I have an autoimmune disease so I am just sick a lot and often. I don’t need to “just be positive” or reminded to look at the bright side. As I really do live that approach every day. Sometimes when you live with pain 24/7 you simply don’t have the energy to be upbeat.
I have also been pretty pissed off of late as I have been following all the diet programs for inflammation and leaky gut and doing all the protocols of awareness and I have still been floored and fallen ill. I am a spiritual being having a human experience and somedays I get truly Gatvol with it all.
So today when I sat down with the one doctor that I really trust who has my back and gives a shit and we discussed the results. I watched as he looked at me and said we’ve got this! I listened as he said we’ll find a way. And he said I know this because I know you and you are too determined to let this get the better of you. And as he said this I just smiled because I know that what will be will be.
This was a terrifying conversation as what now? How do we keep me moving? How do we keep the bones and joints from deforming what is going to happen to me when the pain is off the charts. How do I find the strength to put on the tap shoes and keep my chin up and keep doing all I can to be better. And the answer was simple really. Just surrender and let it be what it needs to be.
Now don’t get me wrong that in NO way means that I am giving up. You see the word surrender has been so misused and so misunderstood for so long that people think when you say you are surrendering you are giving up. All you are doing is not fighting with yourself and your mind and overthinking every decision every single thing and worrying about what you can and can’t control.
So today I am grateful again for the true blessing and teaching that is coming from this new challenge. I am thankful for being able to have the opportunity to be surrounded by friends, family and medical professionals who have my best interests at heart. And that is a whole lot to grateful for.
When you start your day ask yourself what can I be grateful and thankful for today? And how can I be more aware of what is great in my life. And focus on that. If we all just start looking at what to be thankful for I really do believe we can be the change we seek in the world.