To quote Don Miguel Ruiz
“Always Do Your Best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.” This is one of my favourite of the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Today I found myself in a space where I literally felt like a dark toxic cloud had descended on my head. Like I was in a straight jacket and I wanted to run down the passage screaming ENOUGH!!! And in the same breathe I heard myself saying suck it up buttercup this is NOT the end of the world.
I decided to prepare each element of my night before to put myself in the best position to be in the least amount of discomfort as possible. Being the OCD control freak I am I need to at least BELIEVE I am in control of some of what is going on.
Truth be told over the last 18 days there has been very little that I have been able control. It’s all been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and to be honest when I woke up feeling like my lungs were exploding and my entire body was on fire at 3:45am this morning I had what only I can term as a Asshole Collapse.
I was kind of like a petulant child, pissed off, tired and wanting to go home I just wanted out of these quickly becoming claustrophobic four walls. I had, had a reasonably good night sleep to be fair as had managed to sleep for 2 hour intervals but at 3:45 I was awake and sore and irritable.
So here I am moaning about 18 days of this. I mean really who do I think I am? There are people who spend a lot more time in a lot worse conditions and they don’t act like spoilt brats. They just get on with it and do it. But you know what for me right now this was my low point. It was my moment when I was like “REALLY ” and to be truly authentic to my process and the goal I have of healing physically, I really do need to just allow myself to feel these emotions not matter how rational or irrational they are.
Once I had seen my Doctor and he told me that I was still not heading home I decided I needed to pull my head out of the woe is me mode and find something, anything to focus on to make my soul smile. I had a harsh talking to myself and deduced that I was going to get my mind onto anything other than where I was and what I was experiencing.
I got up and walked to the garden outside and just sat and looked at the beautiful flowers and trees. I breathed in some of the fresh outdoor air and let the sun warm my face. I focused on smiling while I did this to just shift my mood. It does help to smile when you trying to shift your mood. I don’t know why and even if you start off faking it by the time you have done it for a few minutes You genuinely do feel a better.
I was blessed to visited by my sisters and some really special friends who just knew I was struggling today and they made me laugh and gave me a bit of a kick up the butt. I called my massage therapist and got her to come and just give my very sore body some tlc and I spoke to my mom. And finally to end my day I got to see my favourite Nurse who is kind and makes me laugh. So tonight I am going to bed with a better attitude and grateful heart. Each of these things helped me to do the best I could today which in the end was all that mattered.