Finding moments to be truly grateful over the last 15 days in hospital has at times been extremely challenging. Part of me telling my story is to ensure that I am authentic always about what is really going on in my world and highlighting what is important in life.
In this current day and age where so many people live lives chasing some facade of what society deems the “ultimate ” life has become an obsession to own more STUFF, be more “SEEN” and basically be anything but truly authentic a lot of the time.
For me that journey and the pathway of meaningless crap and other people’s opinions of me ended when I stated to walk my journey with Chronic pain and illness. Don’t get me wrong I am no Martyr and often don’t get it right but I definitely think more and consider more and choose more what works for me than what I feel everyone else expects of me.
I have learnt that expectation can be the greatest downfall in life as by having an expectation of someone or something other than yourself is simply unrealistic and will more often than not end with someone being disappointed and it really is just a waste of valuable time and energy. Even having too much expectation of ourselves needs to be done realistically and not be a grave disappointment if or when it turns out differently.
Growing up I had someone in my life who constantly drummed into my head not to be “so melodramatic ” if I was sick or felt sad so I began a journey of doing everything I could to always be FINE! This was simply a belief system he had grown up with and was conditioned into him. It became something I bought into for a long time causing me to not always tell people when I felt excruciating pain or wasn’t well.
The joy however when you discover that these things, this stuff is just that a belief system that is set deep within your brain and it is something you can continue to buy into or you can simply choose to let it go and create a new belief system that serves you better is amazing.
I however now choose to work with that inner shadow part of myself and not fight it. I choose to look it in the eyes and give myself the space to be angry, frustrated or sad if that is what is what is needing to come out. When you allow space for the emotions you are feeling you allow space for healing. It really is just that simple.
Once again don’t think for a minute you gonna make a decision that it no longer serves you and you are gonna feel great and move on from it, it takes time, patience and whole lot of self love.
It takes self awareness and reflection to look at how you are communicating these exact belief systems that don’t serve you onto other people both consciously and unconsciously and it takes patience and awareness to do that. Rome was not built in one day.
While I have been lying here in my hospital bed for 15 days fighting off a whole bunch of infections, pain and frustration, I have also been able to spend time thinking about how truly blessed I am in so many ways. I have had time to reflect on all the possibilities ahead of me and I have had time to just simply be in the storm allow myself to go with it and just accept that everything is always exactly as it should be.
I have been utterly blessed with having the most important person in my life, my Mother at my side to hold my hand and tell me it will all be alright. Even though at times I know it’s been incredibly hard for her to see her child so sick and be terrified that maybe this time it wasn’t going be alright.
I have had my sisters, brother, sister-in-law brother-in-law, nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins and amazing friends from all over the world holding space for me, visiting me and loving me through this time in the most nurturing way.
My doctors , nurses, physio, tea ladies and cleaning staff have helped me through some truly tough scary nights all with a smile and kindness. Taking time to sit with me through my coughing fits and getting up new drips in the least painful way when they tissued,
I have also learnt that for a lot of people knowing someone who is chronically ill is inconvenient at times and uncomfortable at times as what can they really do but try be empathetic and supportive as there really is nothing else people can do. It is just simply what it is. The “IS-NESS” and that is OK.
To stand in my Authenticity is all that matters to me. To be the best version of my self every day in whatever form that may take is what is important. And no matter how tough it feels or how overwhelming it feels if you just have some faith and open your eyes to what Blessings surround you, you really can get through it.
Start every day with gratitude and humility and just be kind and gracious. It really doesn’t cost a thing to be kind and it is one of the most valuable gifts you can give.