The Hamster Wheel

Winter for me is like being on a hamster wheel that spins out of control regularly. Week 11 of infections and extreme inflammation, chronic pain and borderline desperation. That is the best way to describe this journey that feels endless and unrelenting.

This week I was super enthusiastic to get back on my board and start paddling again with hope that my knee, spine, calves, raw feet and shoulder would cope. I loved being on the water and tried out my specially adapted shoes in a hope that the excruciating pain in my legs would not be unbearable. That getting on the water and out in the fresh air would just fill my soul with joy.

The 6km paddle was fantastic. I was slow and steady and the new special shoes helped with the compartment syndrome a bit and I thought that I was turning a corner and could possibly be getting back to the exercise regime I love. That however was not the case when I got up at 2:45 with searing pain throughout my body.

The new meds I have been taking to help with the excruciating nerve pain and lack of sleep have had a dreadful side affect and caused me to have terrible panic attacks and loss of memory. My mind is the sharpest thing I have and I am not ready to have that confused and foggy.

I haven’t written in a while as I have not been able to put into words the challenge and focus it takes every day to keep moving. Living with this level of pain and constant complications wears thin and as a truly active, outgoing and generally upbeat person I am finding it very hard to not be angry.

I find myself having less and less tolerance and being more and more frustrated. I am tired, irritable and basically pissed off. It is hard to explain what it is like to live like this when it just keeps coming. A lot of the time I find myself focused on just smiling and being as upbeat as possible in company as it’s easier than trying to explain to people what’s going on in my body.

I can however say that my determination has not faltered and tomorrow when I face the next barrage of poking and prodding I shall do so with complete faith that something is going to work.

I shall do so with hope and appreciation as I am blessed enough to have incredible doctors and specialists doing all they can. I am blessed enough in this cold wet weather to have a warm home and a roof over my head. I am blessed enough to be surround by amazing friends and family and so much love. I am blessed to have an incredibly strong connection with God and am thankful for every teaching that this journey gives me.

I am blessed as while it is challenging and it is tough. I am ALIVE and breathing. That is a whole lot to be grateful for.

It’s easy to slip into a dark space and victim mode. It’s harder to put on your big girl panties and just keep trying. I however choose to opt for the big girl panties and have complete faith that as frustrating and challenging as this is I get to learn what really matters every second of every day.

So when you start your day do so with gratitude for what is great in your life and you will find that there is so much to be grateful for.

3 thoughts on “The Hamster Wheel

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