Putting Life In Perspective

Today as I headed into the hospital for my Biological infusion I was in a dark space. I was on the back of 8 weeks of infections and flares and very very little sleep. Lacking patience, tolerance and generally very grumpy. And if you know me, it’s not my nature to be grumpy too long.

As a person who consciously works on keeping positive and upbeat I find it hard to be low and basically over tired and pretty depressed. I felt like I didn’t know if I could actually pull myself up and give a shit about fighting the pain and infections anymore.

I then got to my doctor and we looked at my scans and X-rays and he could see the desperation in my face and the complete exhaustion and said come on you got this! I know you, you are able to do this. He took time to listen, time to care and he always takes time to make sure all results are checked and rechecked as I am his “challenging case”.

I get weird crazy infections and no matter how hard I try and keep going I keep getting hit with complications. After a final check and seeing how off the charts my inflammation was he made the decision to do the infusion. And has prescribed some serious assisted sleep therapy as the body just has no chance without sleep.

Off I went for my infusion and got put into a ward with the most delightful lady. There she was 90 years old with cancer and pneumonia and the most wicked sense of humour. Perspective I tell you is a true blessing. This wonderful lady (my angel for the day), entertained me and helped me remember what’s important in life.

She was the best medicine for the day. And so as I end my little blog today, I remind myself that while I have more scans and challenges ahead over the next few days, I am ALIVE. I have family, friends and the most incredible team of “Ologists” as I call my Doctors who have complete faith in me. And I have “Got this”

I will get back up on my board and I will get back on the water. I just need to be gentle and kind and remember to laugh ALOT.

Reflection and Gratitude

This morning I am taking time to reflect on how truly amazing the human mind is and how important my faith is. I am on the last stretch (hopefully) of 8 weeks of infections and being in non stop pain.

I am frustrated, annoyed and generally over being sick. It’s exhausting to be in pain constantly and it can be the loneliest journey on the planet. While I am incredibly blessed to have some great friends and family to support me what is most interesting about living this journey is how I choose to just isolate myself and fight this alone a lot of the time.

The more I walk this journey the more I understand the human race and how we work. You see sickness or weakness in this world is not really tolerated or convenient for a lot of people. And believe me it’s not fun or convenient for the person living it.

To constantly be in pain and riddled with medical challenges is frustrating and highly annoying for someone like me. I can literally go insane when I can’t get up and out on the water or up the mountain.

It’s tough to talk to anyone when you are operating on between 2 and 3 hours sleep a night and you feel like your days are a blur of pain and exhaustion. You become less tolerant and more irritated by mundane things people complain about.

To prevent being the snappy person with no filter and little tolerance for petty shit, you pull yourself away more and more as it’s just easier. This of course leaves you with a choice of lose your mind or put on your big girl panties and fight for your life.

Let me tell you that in the last 8 weeks I have had more moments of thinking I don’t know if I can do this anymore than I have ever had in my life. The blessing however is that I have an incredible faith. I believe as the Native Americans say “everything is always exactly how it should be”. With every challenge comes a great teaching.

As soon as I begin to slip down into woe is me mode I remind myself of the countless blessings in my life. Let me tell you that doing that does not come easy and being human I sometimes don’t get it right but I do give it my best go at all times.

Today I want to share with all of you who have friends or family with chronic diseases that sometimes all we need is just to know you are there and you care. We don’t need you to fix it, or find a cure we just need the comfort of knowing you care.

When we pull away or isolate ourselves it’s not a rejection it’s survival and focus. For me it’s a conscious decision as I am aware that I get short tempered and irritated quickly.

So as you start you day today do things you LOVE. Be kind to people you care about and be mindful and heartful of the battles people may be fighting and whatever do just LIVE in the moment.

The love of a Mother

Today on Mother’s Day I felt it fitting to write about the greatest support and love in my life. When I think of where my resilience, determination and drive comes from, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it comes from my Mom. I haven’t been blessed with children myself but I believe that I certainly hit the jackpot with the mom I chose.

I am often in awe of mothers as I watch them with their children, I recon it’s got to be one of the toughest jobs on earth. You see to be a mom you never really get a day off. You don’t get to say, today I am not gonna care about anything but me. You see once you become a mom “from what I see”, you have the responsibility of creating a strong foundation for a human being. You plant the seeds of belief systems and dreams in your children. You provide the shoulder to cry on and the open heart of acceptance.

A mom is such a precious gift and should be respected and appreciated as such as she is the one person in your life that will go to war for you. Well at least I know my mom would. She is the person wiping your cut knee when you are little and punishing you in the most loving way when you get up to mischief.

Mother’s feel all your pain, happiness, disappointment and joy. When you are young and they are pushing you to succeed, it is always just because they love you unconditionally.

For me growing up as an ADHD child with a learning disability my Mom was my greatest cheerleader. Whenever children were unkind or I failed at something, my mom would always tell me that every time I fell down I should imagine that I had made it up the next rung of the ladder to greater things.

So today as you begin this Mother’s Day, remember to thank your mom for being the foundation to who you are and who you become. Remember to be thankful for the sacrifices she made for you to ensure you got the best at all times and just remember to tell her often that you love her.

I love you Mom and am incredibly blessed to have you. Thank you for teaching me to stand my ground and be the strong, confident women I am.